Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
This is my bus stop.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.