[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
New comic up. “Ransom”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver