Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
You Might Also Like
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?