I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“OMGJK” -atheists
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.