ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in