DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche