Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You Might Also Like
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Ah..makes sense now
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Why I divorced her.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
My inexpensive home security system…
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.