A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”