My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down