This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”