I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Every time my phone rings
This is my bus stop.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
new record!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.