I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers