[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.