If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.