My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
me and who
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends