how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
You Might Also Like
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.