This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
From Facebook just now…
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
so weird how every mom was born today
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
cat vs inanimate object
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.