Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.