I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]