My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”