[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
You Might Also Like
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I’d use my best pan on you.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Good point.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back