her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin