Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk