“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.