The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.