Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.