{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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the dark web is just a goth google.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.