Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The pasta is now
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.