If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.