Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.