Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in