person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres