Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again