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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.