70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Ok but actually
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Important
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.