I think this cat is broken
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
That’s enough internet for the day
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.