Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.