Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.