actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.