Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
How dude HOW?!
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.