batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
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When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄