Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
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The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Yeah. This was me today.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it