Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
thank god
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.