[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
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cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
mmm onion ringos
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
it was a valiant fight
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.