5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
You Might Also Like
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Every damn time
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close