We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.