Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.