Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful