I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!