Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Happy Caturday!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.